I want to talk about vulnerability.
I am an extremely empathetic person. I once found a DVD, years ago, at the library that was about "The Trait of High Sensitivity". A psychiatrist did a load of research throughout her years of experience and realized a trend amongst some of her patients who fit into a set of common characteristics. These varied from the way the person felt walking into a room to ranking of psychic ability. Just as there are super tasters, there are super feelers. I took the test, and I answered "yes" to almost every question. Now, what I learned from this super scientific exercise in self-discovery was that it's not all in my head.
When I walk into a room, I sense the emotional atmosphere of the room. This involves more than just observing the people, it is an innate sense within me that I cannot turn off. In addition, when I meet a person, I get a very clear intuitive feeling about them. Most people I feel a very general everything-is-ok kind of feeling about, but some people I feel kinetically drawn to and rarely I get such a negative vibe I literally almost vomit. These feelings have been an incredible blessing in some ways. The negative ones have kept me out of some bad situations and the good ones have connected me to some of the people whose energy fuels my life. I do not choose how much information I get though.
Being in big crowds can be overwhelming. I will be inundated with information coming from multiple directions. I find it difficult to focus on just one thing if each thing vying for my attention is at the same volume or intensity. I cannot talk on the phone if the tv is on. I cannot talk to a person if the tv is on. Having children has presented to me unique challenges in paying full attention.
The other challenge I face, is that particularly negative emotions give of much stronger and more affecting vibes than those similar that are positive. I physically react to tension. I can walk into a room, and perhaps you have experienced this too, and sense that someone is arguing or that something wrong is going on. This makes it almost impossible for me to feel anything else when I am around people arguing or even not speaking to each other.
I suppose a person in my position has two choices: learn to block everything out, or make peace with letting everything in. I have chosen the latter. I can easily see multiple sides of a situation and imagine a person's experience or thought process or feelings. I do not hate people. I cannot comprehend hating people, because everyone has reasons for what they do. It can be exhausting and painful for me to get close to people and know what they are suffering or to feel negativity directed at me due to a lack of that same understanding. But instead of being drawn away from people because of those experiences, I find myself all the more fascinated by them and drawn in to better understanding them. For all the information I get being near a person, speaking to them and asking them questions; hearing them respond to those questions with honesty, is the most thrilling and fascinating experience I can imagine.
I get hurt. I get rejected. I get overwhelmed. I get altered. But I would much rather dive in to a person and come out injured, than wait on the sidelines and distract myself.
Before I conclude, I must give credit to my fabulous friend Leah who is now writing a blog and stirring up all kinds of things in my sometimes functioning pregnant brain.
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